Quaker Castle Tour part 4- The walls. Digging down deep, re-discovering foundations.

On November 9th 1989, the Berlin wall dividing East from West Germany began being dismantled by crowds of ordinary people. Other parts of the world watched mesmerised on TV. All border controls ended on July 1st 1990 and from October 3rd 1990 Germany was recognised as being one country again. At about this time I came to realise how afraid my parents had been during my childhood of atomic bombs, fearing at certain moments of international crisis that someone would lose patience and there would be immediate destruction. Although such fears have by no means gone away, it would seem to me that bringing up children so soon after two World Wars and the invention of the atomic bomb, must have seemed a huge risk. Not surprisingly, my generation has grown up with a very strong perception that opposing ideals as symbolised by walls built to divide people, are almost invariably bad.

These times it might also seem that walls have been superseded by the technical advances of air-power. Whereas Emperor Hadrian had been able to see his strategic line of defence across Northern Britain as a complete solution against barbarian attacks on the Roman Empire, we are able to view this architectural feature on our computers using satellites from space. In a comperable way, those walls of identity and hostility towards each other created by religion are very often regarded with a different perspective, using additional knowledge available through science, the intellect and reason.

It would seem of some significance that early Quakers also grew up at a time when walls were being taken down. In the past castles had been built with archers in mind so it was an advantage to have strategic high points, and narrow arrow slits in the walls. The introduction of gunpowder with its associated weaponry obliged many castle owners to reduce the size of the target by lowering walls, strengthening them with banks from the inside, and increasing the size of arrow-slits so musketeers could use them. Early Quakers reduced the impact of theology by removing the dependency on creeds, strengthened their defences through their emphasis upon truth, and through toleration, increasingly widened the windows.

During the years of English Commonweath, castles were systematically destroyed to prevent a resumption of the recent Civil War. At this time of so many religious sects and the rapid growth of Quakerism, for many people this challenge to traditional knowledge and an understood structure of society seemed like gunpowder to all they held dear. As it seemed the world was being turned upside-down, subjects tended to be more afraid than inspired. Surrounded by so much destruction, it seemed they were to be part of a process in which there would soon be nothing left.

This process of destroying castle walls has since continued. For many Quakers it is now quite understandably assumed that any barrier will limit the availability of knowledge. In wishing to embrace diversity any type of obstruction might serve to exclude people. As a result it may sometimes be very hard to tell whether our priorities and way of Meeting for Worship are still within the castle.

This blurring of identity can make us particularly difficult to find. To compound this problem, a gradual process of evolution and the adoption of new priorities makes us a moving target. At times we throw up an intellectual fog through the way in which we communicate. Such tactics may evade some of the criticism you get with religion but does not make us particularly strong as a castle. Instead of making us more accessible to other faiths, encouraging the process of dialogue, this apparent subterfuge can make it very much harder for other organisations to trust us.

It may be helpful to remember how the walls of a castle could also provide protection and a livelihood through trade. In times of trouble people would come in from the surrounding countryside, believing that the presence of a castle, its ownership and the values it had come to represent might offer them safety. Rather than scale the walls, they approached respectfully and openly through the gate, free to come and leave as they chose, knowing each time they entered the expectations of those responsible for the castle and their own level of commitment.

These days Quaker castles may provide a similar facility for those troubled by life's dilemmas, in need of some support and for Seekers after truth. We may need at times to dig down into our Quaker history, well beyond that sense of identity built up through culture, to re-discover our walls. Whatever height or strength we find them, they mark a boundary, an honest identity, letting people know we are there.

Quaker Castle Tour part 3- Getting Past the Gate

Although Quakers have their ways of letting people know what we are about, those who have ever attempted this challenge will know that doing so in just a few simple words is not at all easy. At times we would seem very much more complicated than we would like and so there is a definite moat to our castle.

I can remember once being taken completely by surprise when a professional football player asked me what a Quaker was. My response was to start telling him all the things we are not, which I think Quakers do sometimes. He probably went away with an understanding that we are a peaceful lot, and unlikely to rob banks for a career. Since it seemed I had let him down, a few days later this football player picked up an envelope in his post. Quaker literature instead of the usual fan-mail must have come as a bit of a surprise. I could imagine him wondering where to put it on the team coach although since the next away fixture was at Newcastle United, he had a very good introduction to Friends and plenty of time on the journey up north to read it!

It would seem to me a most valuable resources that Quaker Castles can get literature to support them.  

A few days ago I also received the Quaker equivalent of fan mail. There was this mysterious pile of brown envelopes placed on a chair just outside the Meeting Room with an invitation for any visitors to take one. Most Meeting Houses have a rack of leaflets, although not everyone has the confidence to take all that that they need straight away. A very thoughtful, gesture made me instantly feel valued. Instead of entering a room full of silent people, I felt among Friends.

At times it is easy to forget that castles can be very intimidating places to the outsider. If you are not met with some kind of a welcome there might just as well be a portcullis come crashing down before you. In one Meeting I know, elders get there early and everyone outside the room is told to move away from the door or keep their voices down.

Some of the mistakes we make would seem to come from an awareness of who we are as Quakers and then the wish to communicate this sense of identity to others. In some cases I feel it would be helpful for our focus to change so that we begin with a thorough appreciation of our guests.

Established Quakers experience a sense of belonging through a shared way of life, clearly understood set of priorities, and language all of our own. There may be an assumption that everyone has the confidence and ability to be like us. Some Meetings for example provide an invitation during notices for newcomers to stand up and introduce themselves. For some, especially if the Meeting is quite large, this could feel like an audition. Although the reason for doing so is not obvious, newcomers are encouraged to sign the visitors book.

At times we would seem to forget that to attend Meetings outside the local area usually requires petrol. When Quakers enthuse about ethical investing and responsible consumerism, perhaps I am not alone in thinking how lucky these particular Friends are to have the means to do this. Although funding is often available for conferences and courses, those most need of help tend to feel least secure and so there might well be a reluctance to ask.

Besides culture, language may also be a problem. Perhaps I am not alone in having wondered for a considerable number of years what a "meetings for Sufferings" might be. It sounded pretty awful, but I didn't like to ask in case some Quaker suggested that I go there! It is possible for even reasonably seasoned Friends to listen to Quaker notices and emerge none the wiser!

Political views may also be a deterrent especially when forcefully put. This not the same thing as plain speaking. What we have here is an opinion. A peace testimony promoted with little regard for those of a different view can seem very aggressive, even hurtful. The more we stamp our identity as a cultural rather than a religious group, the more exclusive we become and so fewer people are likely to feel they belong.

Quaker Meetings can seem like looking at an arrow slit, somewhat threatening if you are not in exactly the right position and considerably easier on the inside.

So how can we encourage people to come and remain as part of our castle? To me this is a matter of going back to basics. Given all the other distractions, we need to remember what a Meeting for Worship is for. Whatever our background, knowledge or experience I believe we are intended to be human beings, gathered together in the silence to listen out for God.

Learning to "Be More Dog"

Lately the telecommunications company O2 has promoted an advertising campaign encouraging us all to "be more dog". On the opening page of their web site, there is as a result the instructions,

"Maybe we should all be a bit more dog.
To them, life is amazing.
Carpe diem. It means grab the frisbee,
so what are you waiting for?"

For someone who has gained confidence writing a blog called "Secret Quaker", grabbing the frisbee seemed like a big undertaking. As a very necessary precaution, it was necessary to consult my personal trainer before moving up to this level. Conveniently she just happens to be a dog.

As we set out yesterday morning, my dog can have had very little idea where we were heading. It may have seemed particularly unfair to be wearing that particular harness, a little humiliating as if nobody properly appreciated just how well she could now walk to heal. Suffering may often be unexplained. At the time it was impossible for her to predict the roar of a train rushing past, how a dog might react and and that this unusually tough restriction was not a judgement but imposed only through a wish to protect her.

At first the route through the woods seemed familiar. To a dog there were the smells, for humans bluebells and other signs of spring. Then we stopped to join  a queue of people, who instead of turning to pat a very well-behaved dog were, quite unreasonably fumbling around for change. Then a bus drew up which looked the same as any other since dogs are colour-blind and unlikely to recognise numbers. At times dogs like people may require a little guidance.

On the command "Over" which to humans may be translated as "Mind the Gap" things started moving. A dog can live very adventurously even though when you find yourself on a moving bus surrounded by strange people, it did quite suddenly seem very strange.

That process of buying a ticket might seem of very little significance to a dog. Since for one pound dogs get a whole days travel it would suggest our local bus company prefer carrying dogs about the town to people under the age of 60. This enthusiasm for dogs is even more apparent on trains because here they travel free. Sometimes dogs are just like people in having no idea just how much they are loved.

Whereas people might look out of the window or talk to other passengers, dogs see mostly legs. Instead of enjoying the view, there are the smells of which there would seem to be quite a few. People may consider the environmental impact and a moral obligation to reduce our global footprint.To a dog Public Transport only becomes particularly significant if there have ever been crumbs on the floor.

On the journey back when even a dog feels tired, there was that moment of revelation. Then the most amazing smell happened when a lady with a rabbit in a pet-carrier came and sat close by. Those moments when a dog feels inclined to ministry should however be responsive to the sense of the Meeting, especially when this happens to be on a bus. Since not everyone shares that same enthusiasm for rabbits, through a shared silence my personal trainer was able to hear a command from someone tugging gently at the harness that she was expected to be centreing "Down!" At times it may seem the temptation to bark at rabbits can be very great. With people too there is the risk of making judgements which can be very hurtful.

We don't tend to waggle our ears about in Meeting so perhaps in listening dogs really do have the advantage. The commands we hear may not always be of our choosing, or even understood. Even though at times we may Quake at the effect, such promptings are given to us through love. For us also they are to obey.

Dogs also are able to count their blessings, such as that small bag of chicken pieces which suddenly and mysteriously appeared on the bus!  When suffering is great, we appreciate the good things more.

At times, even without a collar, it is possible to experience guidance. My most recent experience of this began when I probably wasn't thinking very straight. Through some crazy impulse I decided to tidy up my computer and in doing so cleared all my viewing history. My computer had been doing nothing to be ashamed of, and so it decided to protest. Initially I was quite dismayed to discover that I could now I could no longer open my Facebook or Secret Quaker Twitter account. Late at night it was possible to imagine all my facebook Friends deciding to up and off as if there was now no possible form of communication available, no likelihood we would ever meet again and the telephone hadn't been invested.

With a little additional thought, I realised that this for me this was a lesson about the need to simplify my life. It may be argued that these days we are very much too ambitious in the number of our friends. Instead of being a good friend, there is the risk of becoming shallow, inconsistent and much less supportive than we might be. Through so many opportunities to network, we are distracted. Instead of being able to concentrate on where we are and the direction in which we are heading, there is a tendency to look behind, fish about for approval as if our worth as a human being may be improved by the number of followers.

Looking back over the past few weeks, it has been very nice not having to worry all that much about what people think by writing only as a "Secret Quaker. Maybe now I am still a little scared. Yesterday however I could feel that tug on that harness, hear the command "Over!" and found myself leaping up into the unknown for the next part of that journey.
It is very reassuring to me this morning that I do not have to be anything more than honest. At times you can see the importance of being humble, allowing yourself to led and whether or not you pay for a ticket, no more than a pattern.

Secret Quaker may be still followed on Twitter 

@Griff_S12

Quaker Castle Tour part 2- Testimonies.

Quaker castles have a tendency to use flags which we refer to as being our testimonies. These are also symbolic and should be seen as of considerably more importance than just decoration. Our testimonies say something about accountability and ownership in the same way as flags belonging to a castle. They are a demonstration of commitment and allegiance.

Just as with flags, Quakers have a tendency to put their testimonies in the most conspicuous place. They are not supposed to be hidden. It would seem castles would be very unreliable allies, even utterly pointless without some indication of allegiance. Without evidence our beliefs would also remain theoretical and of very little use.

It has always been important for us to remain a part of society and go where we are needed. Our testimonies may not always be welcome, successful, or even understood. At times people have thought Quakers obsessive, pedantic and quite unreasonable in their demands. Even by just showing that we hold different priorities through the way we live our lives can at times seem threatening.

Since Flags acts as an advertisement people may also be drawn to Quakerism through their testimonies.  Historically these testimonies are

Truth/Integrity. In order to truly hear and follow the leadings of the spirit, we must be willing to hear and act on the truth as it is known to us.
Simplicity. Friends have sought the essential, knowing that excessive material possessions divide people from each other and from a spiritual life.
Peace/Nonviolence. Believing that there is “that of God in everyone" Friends are called to respect and care for all and to "see what love can do" in response to violence.
Equality and Social Justice. Since all are God's children.

Through holding these testimonies we have been able to campaign for a fairer more just society, been trustworthy and honest in our dealings, promoted various reforms, set an example, and through our refusal to take oaths and the peace testimony in particular, been just a bit awkward sometimes! Testimonies are not for our exclusive use, although just like with flags, they help shape our sense of identity and let people know we are there.

Some of these ancient testimonies may seem very fragile. They can blow in about in the wind and weather with age. As society changes, it may seem necessary for some of the more challenging flags to be taken down, folded up and rested for a while. Colours may fade, designs need to be re-worked and new concerns such as a testimony for responsible stewardship to preserve the environment brought to our attention. It might be argued that the earth is already protected if we retain sufficient loyalty to all our old testimonies, so perhaps surprising when this new somewhat less demanding flag seems to be placed a little higher than the rest. This rearrangement may give the impression that Quakerisim is about adopting a particular type of lifestyle and that it is all just a matter of culture really.

Lately it has been suggested to me that Quakerisim has become entirely a way of life rather than a religion as if only our flags are observed. In changing times I think it is important to remember that just as with the Queen, certain aristocrats or even a government organisation such as English Heritage, flags are an sign of allegiance. Our testimonies flag up what we already believe. They are only a part of the castle. We remain strong and connected as an organisation and as a faith group through maintaining our Meetings for Worship.

Quaker Castle Tour part 1- the invisible ones first.

Some years ago I was told very firmly by my teenage daughter that I needed to travel more. Knowing all too well about my love of history, she talked of places she had visited, then said very fervantly, " Honestly Mum, you should go to Poland, or Germany! English Castles seem like just a pile of stones in comparison. You can go inside and walk round proper rooms because they look after their castles. It really does limit your perspective if you just stay in the places that you know."

These words of wisdom are much in my mind because they remind me of Quakers. Whilst I can write with some confidence about Meetings and Quaker events that I have been to in England and in particular my local Meeting, this is only a very limited perspective. It is evident that Quakerism varies considerably. Through the feedback I have already received from about the world it would seem some Quaker Meetings are more conscious of the need for preservation and look after their castles a great deal better than we do.

It might seem a little incongruous to imagine castles in countries such as Canada, Australia and America. To be truthful I am rather glad that they apparently have none because, as I have been reliably informed by various tourists over the years, a search for castles is a very good excuse for people to come and see you! We can learn a great deal from this type of interaction. Tourists of any sort are both a mirror and a window, providing so many opportunities for dialogue and from which we all may grow.

In the past English Quakers used to talk of those "travelling in the ministry." Perhaps they still do in some parts of the world although it would seem to me all Quakers should be able to travel and to whatever place and at whatever time, it should be in the ministry. There is so much to be wondered at and valued. Not all will speak to our condition so whilst it is good and reassuring to discover common ground, this does not always have to be called a castle.

To those readers who have never had the opportunity to visit an English Castle, please forgive me now for not writing beyond the things I know. As my daughter would say, it would do me good to travel although for the present I am glad for this opportunity to write, realise my limitations and know you are out there!

Even in this country, finding a castle can be quite hard. This problem was apparent when my daughter discovered that one of the streets close to her new home was called Castle Road. We were both quite curious, even a little excited so I did my research with a few old maps and photographs that evening. The result proved quite predictable for a new town. About a hundred years ago it may have been very helpful for passing travellers to break their journey at the Castle Public House, although this respite for any Seeker after Truth is not quite the same thing as discovering a Castle. This would seem very much like the search for a Quaker meeting. You cannot just rely on the name. 

Other types of castles may be identified in this country as a decorative paving stone besieged by modern traffic, or as a sign on the walls of some building, however new. There may be very carefully researched information about the importance of this castle, even the description of some act of notable loyalty, bravery or a hero named. This history is of interest although also somewhat less than it might be. At some point other considerations have got in the way. Just like with Quaker Meetings, you cannot live in the past, still call something a castle if now there is nothing there.

At times, even when you cannot see your castle very clearly, or the evidence for its existence seems patchy, you know that it is there. Our local castle is deep underground with no visible trace so you would have to dig deep to find it. It is particularly old, many of its stones were recycled to build the Abbey in the same way as Quakers may find themselves worshiping elsewhere. We may find ourselves governed by practical considerations, even of greater usefulness, in a different place of worship but this does not stop us being stones of a castle if we choose to maintain the association and just happen to have been there.

Our castle legacy includes stories of a very large Norman hall discovered intact at the turn of last century, its use as a Country Gaol and of so many prisoners of conscience, many of them Quaker who suffered and were detained there. Around the site there are still several old inns where children could purchase food to support the prisoners at that time. To find our castle you have to dig very deep into Quaker and local history although still possible to consider those prisoners part of our family, our ministry today and consider it an honour to go on providing them with food.

"

The Peace Testimony

Lately there has been a number of reports through the British national media of young predominantly Muslim men going to Syria for humanitarian reasons and then being drawn into the conflict.

Yesterday the government asked wives, mothers and sisters of young men who might be considering going out to Syria to do their best to dissuade them. It would seem to me that this is far too big a responsibility for any individual or their family to do on their own. Whilst it will never be possible to fully understand the dilemmas and decisions in other peoples lives, we are all, I believe, part of humanity with a shared responsibility to help in what ways we can.

Some years ago, the son of one of my closest friends confided in me his ambition to join the army. Though knowing that I am a Quaker with a peace testimony, I think he was a little surprised that I didn't immediately throw up my hands in horror. Instead I recalled how at one time his father was expecting to be sent to Iraq. He was in the army, had been training all his adult life for such a time as this and believed there was now a genuine threat from weapons of mass destruction. Having been provided with the skills and opportunity to do something, this professional soldier was now prepared to give up his life to protect even conscientious objectors like me. At the time I could not believe that anyone could be so generous towards those who might so easily judge him. It made me feel very small.

There is undoubtedly love in war. Each year at the Remembrance Day services, I find it very hard to believe the degree of sacrifice from those prepared to defend ideals,their families, friends, communities and even people they do not know. This would seem to be a major problem about having a peace testimony. Throughout history some totally incredible people who unquestionably deserve our respect, don't believe it.

How should we respond? There is the option of considering each war as being a separate case to be judged on its individual merits. Others approach every conflict as a matter of negotiation to determine their degree of participation. Such tactics do not tend to make very effective soldiers. I will own to having considerable sympathy for New Model Army officers when Early Quakers in their ranks considered themselves entitled to choose their campaigns. In all these different responses, I do not believe we are entitled to ignore the situation or judge others as being any less a person through having a different perspective to our own.

At times there may be a temptation to argue the case against war on intellectual grounds. It may be observed throughout history that the absolute elimination of your enemy is virtually impossible, such achievements tend to be short-lived and that diplomacy followed by treaties are the usual methods anyway to resolve war. This approach may be quite correct although may not include how it feels to be caught up in conflict. Whilst providing considerable incentive to resolve difficulties early, I could never consider myself entitled to tell anyone that they should learn to appreciate the wider picture and try to think long term. To me, pacifism without understanding or compassion is worth nothing.

It may seem at times as if the reasoning has already been done for us. There is now a traditional Quaker peace testimony besides a long track record of some quite incredible individuals who in their different ways have all made a stand against war.

My grandfather for example was a conscientious objector who served as a stretcher bearer during the First World War. Whenever there was a lull in hostilities he would go forward with a companion into no-mans-land to retrieve casualties. They would duck to evade shells, negotiate so much mud, shell-holes and barbed wire, then carry bodies alive or dead, back some distance to the dressing station. Throughout my adult life I have been aware of my grandfather's example. Whilst there will be many opportunities for me as a Quaker to attend peace vigils and protest marches, it is as if he is telling me, "War requires so much more of us than an opinion."

Those of us who have had the privilage of working with young people will know they are also Seekers of Truth, generally have very little patience for half-truths, and will be requiring absolute honesty from us. We may attempt to cite Scripture, that crucial commandment for example "Thou shalt not Kill," only to have other apparently conflicting instructions perhaps from the Bible, or through other faiths, thrown back at us. Perhaps they may say that we are too selective anyway of those commandments we choose to follow and so challenge us again. 

War often requires great bravery, although it would seem to me the struggle for peace is also not an easy option. Since war involves a struggle for power there is a particular objective in mind. Participants might well be motivated by the prospect of being triumphant. For peace there is never an option of winning. You act through a belief in the worth of all humanity, using all your strength at times to forgive whether or not you lose.
It may be necessary to start very small, using all your strength and courage to act well beyond the point of reason and forgive. With such weapons I believe, we build the Kingdom of God.

Although I cannot believe myself entitled to kill another human being, there is still a great deal that I do not know. Instead of sending our children to war, I think that I would like to say to these young potential volunteers that it is a very brave and selfless undertaking that they are considering and for this I respect them. I admire their honesty and courage. They are a challenge to question and go on questioning whether holding a peace testimony really is the right option.

For us all however, right now there is a opportunity. I believe even in war there is still hope for mankind because although our views on this issue may be very different, the things we do for love last forever.

The problems associated with being an Early Quaker.

"Live adventurously. When choices arise, do you take the way that offers the fullest opportunity for the use of your gifts in the service of God and the community? Let your life speak. When decisions have to be made, are you ready to join with others in seeking clearness, asking for God's guidance and offering counsel to one another?"

These words were very much on my mind as I stepped up on to a soap box yesterday afternoon in support of our local Rabbi. This event marking St George's Day was organised through the local Faith Forum to demonstrate the town's diversity and all that was good about us. It was very moving to hear the Rabbi speak of how certain members of his family had been welcomed in England whilst the rest did not survive in Poland. At times it can be so easy to forget how fortunate we are to have freedom.

As a Quaker, it seemed of particular significance to be a guest of the parish Church. Just across the road I could see the site of the County Gaol. Whereas I would soon be getting on the bus home, for a Quaker during the seventeenth century, this opportunity to speak would inevitably be followed by arrest. This detention at the King's pleasure for an indefinite time involved being identified as a likely traitor and ostracised by other members of the community. Besides likely persecution, there was the cost of providing for yourself in prison, inevitable exploitation,and extreme financial hardship through not being able to earn a living. The risk and upheaval for their own families must also have been a considerable disincentive for any Quaker taking upon themselves that opportunity to speak.

In some ways however there were marked similarities to that time. As people rushed past caught up in their own affairs there was a stern reminder that preaching of any sort, begins as an intrusion and is most usually unwelcome. Our ineffective sound system made me somewhat envious of George Fox whose legendary larynx could stop thousands of people in their tracks even on Firbank Fell. Although these days we might talk of traffic and the music from shops as being an acceptable excuse for voices that do not carry, early Quakers taking advantage of market day crowds had numerous cows, sheep and horses to deal with.

When confronted by the challenge of how to attract an audience, I discovered considerable sympathy with those Early Quakers who would deliberately exploit the opportunity of an assembled indoor church congregation by interrupting the service and then arguing with the priest. These very practical considerations to attract attention may also explain some of our more outrageous activities such as Soloman Eccles going about with a pan of hot coals on his head, George Fox letting the people of Lichfield know exactly what he thought of them, and, most notably but undoubtedly effective..... going naked for a sign! 

It is somewhat disconcerting to be in the company of those who are already busy, mild curiosity at most and the likely attention span of a flea. This problem made me think very fast of how Early Quakers managed. To me it seemed absolutely essential that they began with their audience, found some point of agreement and then kept their message simple. With this in mind, I would prefer not to used the full verbosity of Quaker literature as an entirely accurate record of those times. Instead it is easier for me to imagine George Fox standing up to say, " I've been on a spiritual journey, never found these guys much help, discovered God speaks to us direct. Its been very good news for me!"

Yesterday's event may not have seemed in the eyes of the world to have been that much of a success. Not that many turned up because it was raining, an awkward time of day and Christian leaders in particular tend to take a holiday after Easter. They needed speakers to say a few words and so I obliged. I ranted on for a few moments, and for the duration alone, could quite understand how oratory fuels the ego. Afterwards, instead of feeling good about the achievement, it was all very stressful. I could have hugged the bus driver for taking me home!
Perhaps this was too cowardly an approach. Unlike with Early Friends, no one heckled or threw rotten vegetables my way. This might be explained because the most positive thing I can say about my effect on this audience is that I am not at all sure anyone heard me!

Instead, despite the presence of a random assortment of faith leaders, some curious bystanders and two policemen who had spotted the flag of St George, the ministry I gave came back at me. This spoke to my condition. Through living adventurously I had found myself in the company of Early Friends and come to respect them more.

Right now public speaking is the very last thing that I feel like doing!
It is good to hold this moment. I can see my limitations all too clearly. Instead of being able to attract an audience, I am at present thriving on the silence and opportunity for writing.